Monday, March 8, 2010

Diet is a Four Letter Word

I was always thin growing up and I used to wonder what it felt like to be fat. Well, now I know. I wondered what fat felt like, if it was spongy or firm or gelatin like. If you're skinny reading this - the answer is yes.

My husband likes to give my butt a smack while walking past me sometimes and I usually flip my lid. It's not cute. I'm left there jiggling for three minutes. I know you think I could just exercise and lose some of this excess weight. I think, I could always go on walk, but I think there is just too much bouncing for my neighbors to see. I could get hurt if I jogged - not only from the excess weight on my knees and ankles, but I would end up with black eyes. And maybe some innocent bystander could get hurt from a stray boob bouncing. It's not pretty.

So I thought the best way to control my weight would be my diet. I'm starting a new diet tomorrow. I thought maybe the cheesecake diet. It could work - I'm lactose intolerant and I thought it wouldn't stay in my body long enough to absorb any calories. You know that cartoon that says, "If I put a crouton on my sundae can I call it a salad?" I made my famous cheesecake (last week's recipe) and put some "All Bran" in the crust because I ran out of Graham Crackers so it would be a little healthier. I've been like the human whoopie cushion all day. I wouldn't recommend it.

Because I'm starting my diet tomorrow, I've stored some cheesecake on my butt for reserves. I don't want to feel deprived. I've also stored some in my chest and stomach. Some people have tight abs that you can actually see the muscles under the skin. They call that a six pack. Well, that's nothing. I actually have a two liter bottle. Ha! A six pack!


Fat, Female and Forty said...

This was scheduled to post at 5AM. HTML got all screwy and didn't post, so I had to fix it. Anyway - sorry!

Saimi said...

Thanks for the laugh! :D

Linda said...

Okay my new friend you are fabulous and so am I so I think we will be perfect together! I don't want to jog with you for fear of a stray boob but, I will go eat cheesecake with you. But not with the bran. I have enough woopie cushion action without it! Thanks sooooooo much for stopping by my blog and commenting. So glad you found me.

Kari said...

I love when my hubby smacks my butt! I used to get mad, but then I started just saying "Thanks!" whenever he does it. Jiggle or no jiggle, I'll take it because it's him doing it. :)

I've wanted to take up jogging too, but I tried it and my whole body jiggled! It felt like what jello LOOKS like!