Monday, November 28, 2011

Squeeze and Release

This is REAL mid-life discussion here. Only certain subjects are off limits at my discrimination. Irritable Bowel Syndrome doesn't discriminate. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you. I thought it was important to give this condition a face. Kind of like Jamie Lee Curtis gives constipation a name and a solution with Activia.

As you reach your 40's, it's either nothing for days and then like a bullet from a are it's next innocent victim. Many a time I've been out shopping, looking at something beautiful when all of a sudden I have to flex my glutes to stop an accident from happening. I should have the firmest butt cheeks in town as much as I've had to "squeeze and release" with that Denise Austin voice screaming in my head.

IBS doesn't keep me from doing the things I love. I'm sure, like me, you have stood there in your favorite store when all of a sudden you become interested in everything on the entire shelf .......frozen stiff. If you dare, you make an ever so slight step to the side to look at more "stuff" that you're really not interested in. But just in case the security camera is focusing in on you, you pick up another item, examining it (the price alone can sometimes make you lose your bowels right here) while breathing in and squeezing. Then you put it back. And you pray. Praying that you will make it to the public the other side of the store. "Lord, please let me make it, I will change my wicked ways if you just help me make it." Otherwise, it's, "Lord, if I don't make it, I won't ever be able shop here again."

You shuffle. And squeeze. And shuffle. Only to find you need to obtain the key at the front of the store. At this point, IBS stands for "I've Been Sharting." It can also make you want to lie down in fecal position I mean fetal position.

So, what to do? Try Immodium. If you can't afford the name brand, buy the store brand. I don't leave home without it. If this doesn't work, go to your doctor. Or you can just stay home and make sure to watch Dr. Oz, The Doctor's and Dr. Phil. That's the best advice I can give.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Finding Fifi - My Identity Crisis

Well, it was inevitable. I am the classic storybook textbook case of a lady going through mid-life crisis. I was MIA again but it wasn't in vain. I had the classic identity crisis. If you were visiting and revisiting my blog looking for me, I wasn't here because I was looking for myself.

Because I want to come across as a professional and show you that I'm a graduate of Oprah University, Dr. Phil's College and a PHD in the School of Hard Knocks, I found some symptoms in case you are wondering if you are having an identity crisis, as well. Do any of these symptoms sound familiar? I've added a few notes to help you from my own experiences. You're welcome.

1.Looking into the mirror and you no longer recognize yourself. Seriously. Who is that tired looking, old woman looking back at me? Is that a new wrinkle? Oh, nope. Just toothpaste on the mirror. Whew.
2.Unexplained bouts of depression when doing tasks that used to make you happy. I found this a contradictory symptom. We all know our memory isn't worth a pile of pelican poop. Who can remember what made us happy? I still eat don't I? I'll be depressed when I run out of food.
3.A desire to get into physical shape. This is a serious symptom - not to mention the dangers of putting your body into serious shock, you could hurt yourself. But if Hubby is all of a sudden pumping iron, add a little more butter to your cooking. No reason for him to show you up.
4.Change in allergies. Really? I didn't realize this was an identity issue, but I have found when I eat chocolate my whole butt swells up.
5.Exploring new musical tastes. Just because I can't see the radio stations displayed on the dashboard anymore doesn't mean I'm having an identity crisis. Plus it's great when you want to punish your kids. It's like "time out" with an old-fashioned beat!
6.Thinking about death, wondering about the nature of death. Well, it's usually when I am in my car, alone, and someone has just cut me off. I'm thinking about their death. I know. I'm always thinking of others.
7.Excessively buying new clothes and taking more time to look good. Ladies, I know we can't help it that the styles are getting better and better. We are stimulating the economy, it is our duty. If we stimulate the public, too, it's an extra bonus.
8.Hair changes such as new color or style. Have you seen women who never change their hair or style? They look like a combination of a big-haired babe from Footloose meets a zombie from Thriller. Not good. Even an old barn looks better with a coat of paint.
9.A desire to surround yourself with different settings. Some call it an identity crisis, I call it travel. I'd like to surround myself with palm trees about now.
10.Hanging out with a different generation as their energy and ideas stimulate you. In reality, it's just because we are the one with the money and the driver's license.
11.Restarting things, which you dropped 20 years earlier. What about things that are dropping that started 20 years earlier?
12.Leaving family or feeling trapped in current family relationships. It really is too late to put your children up for adoption. I keep child-proofing my home, but they keep coming back.
13.Doing things that surprise everyone as being out of character. So what. I ordered a salad. What's the big deal?

I hope if you are in the midst of looking for yourself that you remember this one thing: Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.