Idiot Parking

Today my whine will be about people who can't park their cars. There's plenty of handicap parking (which seem to be empty most of the time) but there is never any designated "Idiot Parking" places. They seem to park where ever they want. It really annoys me to no end when you finally find that awesome parking spot and NO! Some idiot has crossed the line. Literally. Taking up two parking spaces. Usually it is a HUMONGOUS SUV or truck that no one should be driving unless they plan on firing a cannon from it. This is an event that will usually cause a swear word to slip out of my mouth.

"Why can't people with their big damn cars learn to park the damn things?" I usually say to anyone who will listen. I actually drive a mini van, which could be described as a "larger" vehicle. But I know how to park between the lines. Sometimes I've had to do a three point turn to get into a parking space, but at least no one questions my ability to park and my intelligence level.

Seriously, one day I came out to my car from a female clothing store and the car next to me parked two inches away from my driver's side door. My parking was fine, but she had crossed the line! Not even Twiggy could maneuver getting into her car like that. I was freakin' mad. So I did the unthinkable. I got my lipstick out of my purse and I wrote on her windshield, "NICE PARKING." What I meant to write was, "How the hell did you expect me to get into my car, Idiot?" but I didn't want to use up all my lipstick. I had to go in through my passenger's side and crawl across the seats. Lucky I was much less fat and forty back then or I would have had her paged in the store. "Will the idiot driving the small blue car trapping another vehicle please move your car so they can leave now? Paging the idiot who doesn't know how to park."

My First Award

I am so excited to get this award from my new friend over at See Mom Smile. That is so sweet of her to think of me. I love her blog, too. So I thought I would post it for Tootin' Tuesday. My acception speech:

Thank you for sharing this award. I feel honored and it really means a lot to have people appreciate the things we share on our blogs. Blogs are like good friends that are there when you need them. When you finally have a quiet moment (which usually just happens in spurts - as I kicked my dog & 9 year old out three times in just these short sentences) you can go over and read your friends' blogs. Some make me laugh, some make me smile, I have cried with some, some provoke deep thinking and once I threw up. I think everyone has a story to tell - okay. Not everyone does. I've read those kind of blogs, too. Put you right to sleep.

I've met a few friends in the blogging world and feel a connection to some. It's great to find people who are going through the same stage in life and to be able to find humor in it. I mean, it's better than laying around crying and causing more bags under our eyes, right? See, always the optimist. Thank you Linda and one of these days we're going to definitely ink in a lunch date (when I come to your town or you come to mine.)

Spare Tire Anyone?

The other day I got a HUGE compliment. I told someone about my blog and he said, "You know, back in the earlier days women that were too skinny were never asked on dates. The look of voluptuous, curvier women was what was desired. I look at women like you and I think you're gorgeous." I thanked him profusely. I don't get too many compliments like that from the opposite sex for one, and for being curvy for another.

I would classify myself as being a little more than curvy, but I'll take it. I look at some people on TV and even in real life that train physically for hours a day and they have very litte body fat. Some look like they've survived the Holocaust. Not that I find that humorous, but those people were suffering. Why do some people suffer on purpose?

I like a little meat on people, too, I've decided. I mean, why have a six pack when you can have a two liter bottle? People who work hard to look chiseled proove two things: 1. They are very disciplined. 2. They are freaks of nature.

I think it's important to have a bit of fat stored on your body in case of disaster. I could survive for a few weeks I think. Those stick figures would start wasting away before our eyes. So, in defense of a little chub, no one likes to get stuck without a spare tire in an emergency. We need to be prepared.

Things Close to My Heart

The other day when I was taking a shower I dropped the soap. I bent over to pick it up and all of a sudden I had this shooting pain go right through my shoulder and neck and right down my shoulder blade. Then I realized I was stepping on my boob.

I've decided you have to be careful what you pray for when you're a teenager. I remember being a size zero at age 14 (it's very vague, but I can remember) and my little size A cup bra. My cousin and I would see older teenage girls who were a little more filled out and we wished. Oh, how we wished. My cousin actually got a breast augmentation, which means she had some boob implants for those who aren't familiar with the medical term for hot tatas.

After nursing three kids and a husband my dreams finally came true. But wait, this was the dream that is out of control, kinda like the Willy Wonka girl that kept growing and growing. It gets to a point where they're not hot anymore.....in fact I'm afraid when I hug a small child that somehow they will disappear. How many children on milk cartons are actually lost in a granny's bosoms somewhere?

A friend of mine worked as a nurse in an old folks home and had to help an elderly lady who was very overweight shower. Her family would smuggle in food for her and she would hide things under her breasts. A couple of these items consist of a Twinkie and a sandwich. I thought maybe she invented paninis. Now I wonder if I will be just like that lady, lift up the old saggin' mammaries and behold - a warm four course meal and a piece of cheesecake that resembles a crepe.

A Very Yummy Stir Fry

I used to get together with some friends for "themed" dinner nights once a month. We did a fondue night, Chinese Food, Japanese Food, Thai, Comfort Foods, Soups, Barbeque. It was fun stepping out of our comfort zones and discovering new recipes and trying others cooking too. The laughter and conversation was the best part of it.

When we had a Japanese night, one couple had lived in Japan for 1 1/2 years and they made some great cabbage pancake kind of stuff. This recipe was a big hit that I got from "About.com."

Pork and Vegetables Stir-Fry
3 Tbsp soy sauce
2 Tbsp mirin (I got this from an Asian grocery store. "Kikkoman Aji-Mirin" sweet cooking rice seasoning.)
2 Tbsp white sesame seeds (I leave these out because I'm allergic to them)
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
1 tsp finely chopped ginger (I buy minced garlic & ginger in jars)
4 thin boneless pork chops, cut into strips
1 carrot, cut into strips
1 negi, or 1/2 leek, sliced diagonally (I couldn't find these so I used an Asian cabbage like Napa)
salt & pepper to season

Mix mirin, soy sauce, ginger, garlic and sesame seeds in a bowl. Marinate pork in sauce for 15 minutes. Heat 1 Tbsp of oil in the skillet and fry pork on medium heat. When pork is cooked, remove from the skillet to a plate.

Heat 1 Tbsp of oil in the skillet and stir-fry carrot and negi/cabbage until softened. Season with salt & pepper and vegetable for a minute. Serves 4. Serve with rice.

The great thing with stir fries is you can exchange vegetables or meats. I'm not a huge fan of pork so when I find a good recipe like this one it's a good change from chicken and beef. The marinade is very yummy. I think you could almost classify this as a healthy dinner. Just make sure you have dessert ready or your family might think something is up.

TTYL

I can tell I'm not keeping up too well with the times because it drives me crazy when I'm with someone and they talk on their cell phone and/or text other people. My teenagers made me laugh one night because they came to our house after a dance and they all layed on the floor in their prom dresses and suits and texted other people and occasionally had conversation with each other. Then one would say out loud, "Oh, you should see what Jayden just said." That would initiate this thing called a conversation. I wonder, do they just not enjoy the company they're with? I'm sure that's not the case, but WTH?

I have a cell phone and I use it mostly for emergencies. One of my friends said her child's cell phone was her leash so she could know where her daughter was and could use it for a leveraging point. I didn't get my teen son a cell phone at all - he paid for it himself. The bad thing is we couldn't use it for a leveraging point but we know all of his friends and where they live. But the good thing is, he takes care of it. Our daughter didn't get one until she was in high school. She felt like she was ostracized from society. But then she had to get a job to help pay for it. Isn't that our purpose in life, to prepare our children for the future? A cell phone is a priviledge not a necessity. Social outcast she thought she was. Now she is 17 and socially accepted once again.

When someone calls my cell phone and I'm with another person, I make the conversation short stating, "I'm with Katie right now, will you be home later on?" I have certain friends who talk on and on.....and on as if you are not even there. I find that insulting. I have certain friends who's teenagers text or call every ten minutes. My kids know better than to disturb me when I'm with friends. If they need to call they can and they do. But we don't have a co-dependant relationship where I can't be gone for two hours without interruption.

Define Undefined

One feeling a person having a mid-life crisis may have is wanting to search for an undefined dream or goal. This leaves me a little confused as to how you can search for an undefined dream or goal.

I'm wondering if it's that feeling like a toddler gets like, "I don't know what I want but I want it now." I guess I'm experiencing that right now another symptom I can check off. I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I was actually hoping to not grow up but since I have to....I guess this is how crazy old ladies are made.

I don't have any college behind me. I have a friend who is about 50 and she is going to college to become a Physicians Assistant. They wouldn't give her any college credit from when she was young and she was so disappointed because she was close to finishing when she got married. I think that's a little unfair to not get credit for college you completed when you were young. That's when our memories were at their peak. I can remember stuff from my early twenties. It's what I did yesterday that I can't remember.

I finally decided I would get some schooling in and try and sharpen my senses. I hope to start in the next couple of weeks. From what I heard I probably won't be the oldest person there. It's just when I was young, I was an aspiring rich housewife. Well, like a rock star wannabe, I finally decided I should probably have a back up plan. Though I was a housewife and doing okay, I haven't been the "rich" housewife. What's the use of staying at home if you can't afford to go to lunch and shop all day?

I was really hoping to be at a more comfortable place financially at my age. And I guess we are. We upgraded neighborhoods a couple of years ago and plan on dying in this house unless we decide to move to Phoenix when we retire. There are a lot of people our age in this neighborhood, so it's perfect. Our whole neighborhood will be dropping like flies at the same time. Maybe we can get a group rate for the funeral costs.

Anyway, back to dreams and goals and being undefined. It's not that I've never had any, there's just so many to choose from. But I guess it's kind of like marriage, you eventually have to choose just one. And then you gotta get pretty good at it, knowing all the idiosyncracies to make it work and be successful. Nothing like investing time into a career to only find out it picks his nose and has flatulence.

Breakin' the Code

Clam Chowder

I got this recipe from a church cookbook, which you should know by now that church cookbooks always have the best recipes in them. I modified this by taking out the green bell pepper because I hate bell peppers of any color.

Clam Chowder

4 slices bacon, cut in small pieces

3 chopped green onions with tops

5-6 medium potatoes cut into 1/2 inch cubes

1 stalk celery, sliced fine (I grate them)

1 clove fresh garlic or minced garlic

2 Cups water

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp pepper

1 tsp *Worcestershire sauce

4 drops Tabasco sauce

3 cans chopped clams (with juice)

1 pt (2 cups) light cream

Saute bacon until crisp, drain. Add vegetables and garlic. Pour in water and seasonings. Cover and simmer until done (about 15-20 minutes - when potatoes are done). Heat clams separately until warm and add Pour in cream and heat until piping hot but don't boil.

*pronounced "werster-sher" Don't argue - it's British and that's how they say it. So stop trying to say it "wer-chester-shy-ird"

I'm still thinking about how awful "clam juice" sounds. Ew.

I didn't take a picture of this because it looks like a bowl of - never mind.

I Hate Frosted Flakes

You know, when I make plans I do them in either pencil or ink. If it's in pencil, I can erase it. If it's in ink I don't want to make my calendar look messy by scribbling it out. By now, I know who to pencil in and who to ink in.

So, my slightly gray-haired friends, I will refer to our hair as frosted. The flake part is next. I'm talking about flaky people who cancel plans on you with poor excuses. I have made plans as couples and they usually don't cancel. Very rarely. But I have made plans for lunch or something and I have actually gone to the meeting place only to receive a phone call while waiting saying they're not coming. Is that so rude?

And usually it is not an emergency situation. "Oh, I forgot my nephew had a soccer game" or "my child has homework and I need to help them." Pu-leez! I know it's important to be "Aunt of the Year", but you have just ruined my plans for the day. And come on - your seventh grader's life will not be doomed (and shouldn't they be doing their homework and not you?) if you go to lunch with your friend!

Do people not respect your time enough to not cancel at the last minute? Really, my thoughts are "they're probably just not in the mood to go out", "they spent their lunch money" or "what a flake". It's hurtful when so called friends do that.

I made plans with two friends for lunch one day. One I thought I could "ink" in and the other was definitely graphite. Sure enough, as I'm getting ready to go to lunch with high school girlfriends, Ms. Inky calls and said Ms. Pencil couldn't make it, so let's plan it for another day when Ms. Pencil could come. I wanted to say, "Ms. Pencil will never come, so let's just go out without her," but I wasn't sure that Ms. Ink knew that about Ms. Pencil, or even if Ms. Pencil was only "Ms. Pencil" with me. When I caught up with Ms. Pencil her lame-o excuse was, "I'm sorry. I forgot that I had plans with my husband to clean out the garage." ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Don't you have to eat lunch anyway? PU-LEEZ! I have not attempted to go to lunch with Ms. Pencil since (though she suggests it "Let's go to lunch sometime), and you know, I don't think she misses me. Ms. Ink of course, has been a lot more reliable.

I had a visitor coming up to stay the weekend with her daughters and I knew she was definitely a pencil. Sure enough, she called that Friday, "I'm so sorry. I can't come, I have so much to do." If I make plans with someone, it's not because I don't have anything to do. There will always be toilets to clean, floors to vacuum, dishes to do but if I've made plans - they are in stone unless an emergency comes up. I respect that the other person has also made plans and they were with me. I'm not going to look for excuses to get out of it or I wouldn't have made the plans in the first place.

So, I'm looking for more people to make plans with because I want to get out of cleaning my house on the weekend. A girl's gotta have fun.

Other's Opinions and Other Useless Stuff

I wish I could tell you that by the time you turn 40 you don't care what other people think. I think that comes more with your 50's. I wonder if you really don't care or if you are just used to what other people think of you. Example:

You get together with some old friends that you haven't seen since the last time you were skinny. At 40, we think - "How am I going to lose 20 lbs before we get together. Oh my gosh, I've got bags under my eyes! I need to get my roots touched up. I better drive my hubby's car instead of the mini-van. I better order a salad so they think I'm healthier than them and I just don't know why I'm fat!"

So you get together with your friends and you are feeling insecure, you wear all black and suck in your gut, order the salad, get gas because your waistband is too tight and causing a blockage in your intestines. You're feeling uncomfortable and notice they too have a little extra poundage, new hair cuts & color which you comment, "I just LOVE your hair!" "Oh - but I love yours!" So your haircuts & color look like your last attempt to keep up with the times. But you don't have to worry about what they're thinking about you because they are thinking about what you think of them. And they measure their age progression by what you look like. "Hmmm. Fifi's looking a little tired. Yep, that's how we look in our 40's. Tired." Let me tell ya, Honey, no nap can get this look off my face. Not for the lack of trying though.

And people in their 50's think - how should I know what they think? Maybe I'll call one of my 50-ish friends. Well, I would imagine them to get together with their old friends if you can still remember them by then. And we know we've all got gray hair by then, so no use of hiding it. What waistline? It's unnatural at 50+ to have a waistline. Grandmas are supposed to be a little plump. They are supposed to have droopy bossoms.

Where was I? Caring what other people think - I'm getting a little more outspoken in my 40's, but I tended to let people walk all over me in my 20's & 30's. No more. It is a lot easier to say "No" now. So, enough of me - lets talk about YOU......and what YOU think of me.

Diet is a Four Letter Word

I was always thin growing up and I used to wonder what it felt like to be fat. Well, now I know. I wondered what fat felt like, if it was spongy or firm or gelatin like. If you're skinny reading this - the answer is yes.

My husband likes to give my butt a smack while walking past me sometimes and I usually flip my lid. It's not cute. I'm left there jiggling for three minutes. I know you think I could just exercise and lose some of this excess weight. I think, I could always go on walk, but I think there is just too much bouncing for my neighbors to see. I could get hurt if I jogged - not only from the excess weight on my knees and ankles, but I would end up with black eyes. And maybe some innocent bystander could get hurt from a stray boob bouncing. It's not pretty.

So I thought the best way to control my weight would be my diet. I'm starting a new diet tomorrow. I thought maybe the cheesecake diet. It could work - I'm lactose intolerant and I thought it wouldn't stay in my body long enough to absorb any calories. You know that cartoon that says, "If I put a crouton on my sundae can I call it a salad?" I made my famous cheesecake (last week's recipe) and put some "All Bran" in the crust because I ran out of Graham Crackers so it would be a little healthier. I've been like the human whoopie cushion all day. I wouldn't recommend it.

Because I'm starting my diet tomorrow, I've stored some cheesecake on my butt for reserves. I don't want to feel deprived. I've also stored some in my chest and stomach. Some people have tight abs that you can actually see the muscles under the skin. They call that a six pack. Well, that's nothing. I actually have a two liter bottle. Ha! A six pack!

Yoo Hoo!

Cheesecake!

I made my brother and his family dinner for his "Big 40" birthday. He loves cheesecake - actually he loves anything - for dessert. Notice the bony fingers? Yeah. Why do the guys always get the skinny genes? This is a great recipe that I got from a friend about ten years ago. It is always a winner!

Crust

12 Graham crackers - blend in food processor. Then pour in

1/3 Cup melted butter

Put in a pie plate and smash the crust around sides and bottom. Or you can buy a crust - but this one is better.

Cheesecake

2 x 8 oz. cream cheese softened

3/4 Cup sugar

2 eggs

1 1/2 tsp. vanilla

Mix until smooth. Gently spread in crust. Bake at 350° for 18 minutes.

Cream Topping:

16 oz. sour cream

1 1/2 tsp. vanilla

1/4 Cup sugar

Fold together and smooth over cheesecake. Bake for another five minutes. Eat with or without fruit toppings. I love blueberry best so I used that. Just use your favorite or not. Tastes best in the closet with the door locked.

Taco Toots-day

I know this is a delayed Tootin' Tuesday post. But we all know life gets busy and I definitely had to have my beauty sleep.

Taco Time has a "Taco Tuesday" special. Two tacos for $2.19. Well, their tacos are like a half a pound and there's no way I could eat two tacos in front of people on my own so we always have a few people go to share.

Later on, I was in our file room which is the size of a walk in closet and when I file on the bottom two rows I sit on a stool so I don't have to bend over. There's a lot of filing. So as I squat to sit my body did it again. This time it was a very loud "toot" which actually sounded kind of like shuffling a deck of cards. I jimmied the filing cabinets hoping no one else heard that. Inside I was giggling, but outside I ignored it. If anyone heard, they ignored it, too. It's not like I was going to come out and say, "Did you hear that?" like on the movie Elf. So it was a windy day here in town. I'm a closet tooter who is now coming out of the closet.

Body, Don't Fail Me Now. Excuse Me.

So last week I promised a story of a time I embarrassed my teen. Well, you know, one of the many times I've embarrassed them.

So, when my daughter, Fashionista, was in about eighth grade there was this commercial that was running....and running....and running. It starts with a scene of a girls' slumber party with some young teens and they're having a pillow fight and jumping around dancing and then HORROR! The mother comes into the room and thinks she's going to pull the "Cool Mom" card and she starts doing a cool dance from her time - THE ROBOT! The girls just look at her like "Oh my gosh! What are you doing?" Then the phrase was, "Wanna try something new?" And I can't remember what it was advertising.

So my daughter was having a slumber party and there were about 7-8 girls there standing in my kitchen and one of them say, "Well, what should we do now?"

Another one answers, "We can go downstairs and dance."

And I add, "And I could be like that mom on the commercial and start dancing" and I did a couple of robot moves and it was then that it happened. My body betrayed me. I did an audible explosion between my legs and they all heard it. They looked at me like I was a freak and a couple giggled. My own daugter says from the side of her mouth, "Mom. I can't believe you just farted in front of my friends."

"I didn't mean to. Wait until you get to be my age," I reply in my defense. "But you guys might want to move that way" as I flap my hands away from me. Then they laughed. If only they knew the truth about teenage boys. I was just breaking wind, I mean breaking them in - slowly.