Monday, April 12, 2010

How to Avoid an Affair Part 1

Another symptom of a mid-life crisis is.......having an affair. Do I really want to touch that subject? Okay, I will.

It's no secret, that even though I'm past my prime I still make an effort to pretty myself up every day, and I still look pretty good, in a matronly way. I still have men look at me and throw themselves at me. It's usually when I'm walking downtown and wearing my high heels and carrying my Prada bag and they usually ask me for money. "Any spare change, Miss?" Anyone who still considers me a Miss deserves a quarter!

Because I'm a wealth of knowledge and because I've watched Oprah for a long time now, and even some documentaries, I am aware that some people stray. We can't keep our husbands on leashes all the time or vise versa.

It's not uncommon to feel a little something for other people, like Matthew McConaughey, or even an old college boyfriend. I have gone down that path thinking about my high school boyfriend, one in particular and think of his luscious big lips and how they used to feel on mine. His lips have come in handy for climbing the corporate ladder because he's had to kiss a lot of butts with them. Or that's what I hear.

The thing about waking up to the same person morning after morning is they become your safe place. I think we start to take them for granted, like they'll always be there. But like a gorgeous shirt you find on sale and decide to shop around - POOF! It might not be there when you go back. Think of your hubby as your favorite shirt ever, the biggest and best investment you ever got and even when it looks a little worn, it still looks great on you (not that way, pervs!). Surely, I had many, many opportunities but my hubby is my Pierre Cardin, the one that never goes out of style.

One way to avoid having an affair is to keep your relationship alive. You gotta take your favorite shirt out of the closet and take him into town once in awhile. You gotta give him a chance to show off his social skills that you meticulously molded. You tell him to behave himself and not say anything embarrassing and you keep that spark in your marriage. You have to try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. And if he doesn't abide by those rules you threaten to take him shopping next time. Because you deserve it. We deserve it, ladies. We deserve fine investments and a happy life.

Another way to avoid having an affair is to not feed your thoughts when your mind wanders to that place. I mean, if your consciously thinking about another guy that's a sign that your heart is wandering, too. But if you're dreaming about him, it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do about it. But consciously.....try a little distraction. Vacuum the floor, clean a toilet, eat another cookie, stick your finger in an electrical outlet, whatever it takes to stop thinking about Matthew McConaughey or who ever.

Another thing - remember that "that other guy" probably farts, lifts his legs so you can vacuum under him, spits out the car window and blows his nose in the shower, too.


Saimi said...

Great post!

I've been wearing my favorite shirt for 24 years and it still fits, feels great against my body, keeps me warm, goes with every outfit, and has never gone out of style!

Why change?

visit my feb post 'true love stories never have endings' and you can meet my favorite shirt!

Randyman5775 said...

Excellent analogy! I heard from a wise man a long time ago that when someone is married, even though they may be good looking they should not be "attractive" to you. After 30 years I still lust after my wife!

Lisa said...

Most profound part of the blog~the fart, nose blow, spit part. Absolutely true. They just don't do it until after you've destroyed your eternal family. Then it's too late. Beautiful post, dear.

Kari said...

Love it Krista! I wouldn't change my "shirt" for anything! I might kick his butt occasionally, but then the make up part is fun! Oops, didn't mean to over-share. 25 years and counting!! Gotta love the expensive brands!!

Just a bed of roses said...

What a great fun post, love it. Can't wait for part 2-3-4-5 and 6.

And I will be back as I need to see Dr. Phil pointing his finger at me saying "your fat!"

Leenie said...

Most of us have annoying habits. Like--I put in too much time blogging. Better go spend some time with that guy who has put up with me for a LOT of years. BTW thanks for stopping by.

Holly said...

My old shirt is adorably quirky and has SO MUCH MORE to PUT UP with in ME... *sigh* I LOVE HIM!!
Thanks for sharing! ;D