Monday, November 28, 2011

Squeeze and Release

This is REAL mid-life discussion here. Only certain subjects are off limits at my discrimination. Irritable Bowel Syndrome doesn't discriminate. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you. I thought it was important to give this condition a face. Kind of like Jamie Lee Curtis gives constipation a name and a solution with Activia.

As you reach your 40's, it's either nothing for days and then like a bullet from a are it's next innocent victim. Many a time I've been out shopping, looking at something beautiful when all of a sudden I have to flex my glutes to stop an accident from happening. I should have the firmest butt cheeks in town as much as I've had to "squeeze and release" with that Denise Austin voice screaming in my head.

IBS doesn't keep me from doing the things I love. I'm sure, like me, you have stood there in your favorite store when all of a sudden you become interested in everything on the entire shelf .......frozen stiff. If you dare, you make an ever so slight step to the side to look at more "stuff" that you're really not interested in. But just in case the security camera is focusing in on you, you pick up another item, examining it (the price alone can sometimes make you lose your bowels right here) while breathing in and squeezing. Then you put it back. And you pray. Praying that you will make it to the public the other side of the store. "Lord, please let me make it, I will change my wicked ways if you just help me make it." Otherwise, it's, "Lord, if I don't make it, I won't ever be able shop here again."

You shuffle. And squeeze. And shuffle. Only to find you need to obtain the key at the front of the store. At this point, IBS stands for "I've Been Sharting." It can also make you want to lie down in fecal position I mean fetal position.

So, what to do? Try Immodium. If you can't afford the name brand, buy the store brand. I don't leave home without it. If this doesn't work, go to your doctor. Or you can just stay home and make sure to watch Dr. Oz, The Doctor's and Dr. Phil. That's the best advice I can give.