Would You Like Fries With That Gut?

Just in time for Whiney Wednesday. I got a lot of whining to catch up with. Today's topic, things that are sitting on my lap. No, not children, not animals. The excess fat and skin that once held children for nine months - my tummy. How did I not feel this growing to this point? It feels so natural, like it should be there.

I notice it mostly when I'm going to the bathroom, when my abdomen has broken free of the constricting pants that held so much back. Like a prisoner let free and is now sitting on my lap. That's how I measure my waist, whether it is any further down my lap or closer to where it should be.

Little Miss cradled her belly one day and squeezed it all around her belly button and said, "Look, Mommy, I can make a doughnut with my tummy." I said, "Oh, that's nothing, Sweetie. I can make a bundt cake with mine."

It's amazing that the stomach can stretch so far out with pregnancies and then settle somewhere in between that size and your pre-pregnancy waist size. And we blame pregnancies for it. I'm sure all those doughnuts and required trips to McDonald's while the kids are little have nothing to do with it. The food we are forced to eat so we can have a social life while the kids play in the Playplace. I'm starting to think, the bigger the belly, the better parent you are because we sure did take our kids out for burgers a lot. I've got the collection of toys to prove it!

Another way I measure my waist is the suck in factor. Once it gets past a certain point, there's no sucking in that makes any difference. Though you can still feel your muscles contracting underneath all that waist, it does not make you look slimmer. And then there are those parts that you just can't suck in. Like your chest. Your hips. Your chin. So it just leaves me to use my little nest egg to pay for liposuction, so I can have a few more years of vanity.

Shoe Size vs. Finances

"Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular item." It amazes me how much it really costs just to get by, even by our age, life should be getting a little more comfortable financially. I think back at the beginning of my marriage and it was kind of fun to struggle and work for the things we obtained. Then you throw some kids in there and diapers and clothes that the kids grow out of and then the clothes that I grew out of. I'm glad things are a little more stable now.

It's nice to be able to go on a vacation every once in awhile, be able to buy a pair of shoes even if I don't need them or go to lunch without worrying if you're dipping too far into the bank account if you do. It's only a worry if your lunch changes your pant size again and you have to buy another entire wardrobe - that's when it gets expensive. But wait, it's not Whiney Wednesday, it's Tootin' Tuesday, so I'm supposed to talk about the positive things about being in my middle years.

Financial stability. It's kind of like your shoe size it gets to a certain point and then it doesn't usually change too much. The one thing you can control is how you wear it. Your foot is your income, your shoes are the expenses. Hopefully, by now, we know our necessary bills and know how much is left over at the end of the month for fun. If you try to squeeze too much foot into a smaller shoe - it's gonna be painful. You may think it looks good on you, but why limp around when you don't have to? Even Cinderella likes a little wiggle room.

I would consider myself middle working class. I work not to provide extra luxuries for my family, but to provide health insurance (there's a Whiney Wed. topic) for my family, since Mr. Fifi likes being his own boss. Plus, it keeps me out of mounds of trouble.

For my younger readers, who only look forward to reaching these wonderful mid-life years, things do get better. You don't always have to live paycheck to paycheck. At mid-life, when your feet hurt - everything hurts, so be wise in choosing shoes (expenses). Some are just not worth crippling your feet over.

Did you know the Chinese used to bind their feet so tightly, the women would have broken deformed feet, all because they thought small feet were attractive? That would be equivalent to crying poor - you've got the income, you just don't want to spend it. Like when the doctor's wife says she can't come to your Tupperware party because she can't afford it. Wouldn't you rather hear, "I'd rather bind my feet than go to a Tupperware party"? Wiggle room, ladies, that's what we need. Being cheap gives you a bad reputation, too. No one likes a cheap friend when it's your birthday.

So the important thing is to find your right size. Not too little, not too much but just right.

How to Avoid An Affair Part 2

I posted part one last week and didn't get much feedback, so I wonder if I touched on too sensitive of a subject or if everyone was guilty. Or maybe it's because the weather is warming up and everyone is too busy doing gardening and stuff like that. Yeah, that's it.

I asked Mr. Fifi how he controls his eyes from roving from me. I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world and I have put on some poundage since we've gotten married. But some of the most beautiful women in the world have had men stray so what's the secret? What makes him keep coming home to me?

One good practice when you are in public and you notice a younger, prettier lady, you just whisper to him, "Isn't she cute? Poor thing, Kristie told me all about her. I just wish they could find a cure for her genital herpes. That would suck."

Another hottie on the scene, "Her family is from France and she doesn't believe in shaving her armpits. Imagine that in lingerie, her arms behind her head waiting for you to go in for the kiss. I wonder if all that hair holds in B.O.? You couldn't possibly get deodorant all the way to the skin with all that hair. Oh, wait. They don't use deodorant in France, they just dab on a little eu de toilette."

"Wow, doesn't Bonnie look beautiful, tonight?" you test him.

"Yeah, she must work out, look at those biceps," hubby says, trying not to be overzealous.

"Oh, no, Honey, she has an illness that causes her to lose control of her bowels. She wears one of those discrete Depends. She just can't put on weight no matter how hard she tries."

Pretty soon, he will see beautiful women and an automatic trigger will go off in his mind, "Chlamydia. Diarrhea. Crooked nipples. Halitosis. Bulimia."

So my husband doesn't have a problem looking at other women for that reason. I'd like to believe it's because he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I guess when you surpass a certain amount of beauty, it's really bad. I feel sorry for all those models and actresses who have to drug themselves up to cope with all the downfalls of being beautiful.

And, my sweet friends, we know that beauty comes from within. You know how I compared husbands like the best shirt you ever bought? I compare us with the best trophy that he earned. This is why: It is true he may had a few opportunities of marrying someone else. But YOU are the one who won his heart. There is something special about you and me. We are the ones who would put up with his flatulence, spitting out the car window and never getting to our "Honey Do" list. But don't get me wrong - we are not suckers - we are trophy wives. We are the one who he is proud to take to the company barbecue.

Behind every good man is a woman on Prozac good woman. We need to find little things to compliment our man on. We have to make him feel needed and sometimes be a damsel in distress so he can prove to be our knight in shining armour. When he finally hangs that picture you bought seven months ago - go make him his favorite pie and tell him what a good job he did. This will help his self-esteem for weeks. It's doing little things like that that keep a man.

Another good thing to do is ask to feel his biceps. "Wowee, Honey. You just keep getting stronger and stronger. You're my Hercules, Baby." They just eat that stuff up. That's a good time to ask him to put his good muscles to use and put in that shelf you've been wanting.

So, we're all about getting through this mid-life madness together. Do you have any other ideas on keeping your man?

How to Avoid an Affair Part 1

Another symptom of a mid-life crisis is.......having an affair. Do I really want to touch that subject? Okay, I will.

It's no secret, that even though I'm past my prime I still make an effort to pretty myself up every day, and I still look pretty good, in a matronly way. I still have men look at me and throw themselves at me. It's usually when I'm walking downtown and wearing my high heels and carrying my Prada bag and they usually ask me for money. "Any spare change, Miss?" Anyone who still considers me a Miss deserves a quarter!

Because I'm a wealth of knowledge and because I've watched Oprah for a long time now, and even some documentaries, I am aware that some people stray. We can't keep our husbands on leashes all the time or vise versa.

It's not uncommon to feel a little something for other people, like Matthew McConaughey, or even an old college boyfriend. I have gone down that path thinking about my high school boyfriend, one in particular and think of his luscious big lips and how they used to feel on mine. His lips have come in handy for climbing the corporate ladder because he's had to kiss a lot of butts with them. Or that's what I hear.

The thing about waking up to the same person morning after morning is they become your safe place. I think we start to take them for granted, like they'll always be there. But like a gorgeous shirt you find on sale and decide to shop around - POOF! It might not be there when you go back. Think of your hubby as your favorite shirt ever, the biggest and best investment you ever got and even when it looks a little worn, it still looks great on you (not that way, pervs!). Surely, I had many, many opportunities but my hubby is my Pierre Cardin, the one that never goes out of style.

One way to avoid having an affair is to keep your relationship alive. You gotta take your favorite shirt out of the closet and take him into town once in awhile. You gotta give him a chance to show off his social skills that you meticulously molded. You tell him to behave himself and not say anything embarrassing and you keep that spark in your marriage. You have to try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. And if he doesn't abide by those rules you threaten to take him shopping next time. Because you deserve it. We deserve it, ladies. We deserve fine investments and a happy life.

Another way to avoid having an affair is to not feed your thoughts when your mind wanders to that place. I mean, if your consciously thinking about another guy that's a sign that your heart is wandering, too. But if you're dreaming about him, it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do about it. But consciously.....try a little distraction. Vacuum the floor, clean a toilet, eat another cookie, stick your finger in an electrical outlet, whatever it takes to stop thinking about Matthew McConaughey or who ever.

Another thing - remember that "that other guy" probably farts, lifts his legs so you can vacuum under him, spits out the car window and blows his nose in the shower, too.

Five Minute Chocolate Cake

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug (MicroSafe)

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well..
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT ! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).

And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world?
Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day!

Foaming at the Mouth - Grrrrr!

Do you remember what movie that line is from?

I've been getting heartburn a little more frequently. I haven't usually had intestinal issues - all other issues, but not this one. I've tried Tums, Prevacid, vinegar and my least favorite - Gaviscon chewable tablets. Don't get me wrong - they work really well. It's just that it's like the foaming pipe snake for your drains. You start chewing on it and you think, not too bad, kinda vanilla flavored, gets stuck in your teeth and then it happens. It foams. I actually gagged the first time I took them at my mom's house. I didn't know what to do as the foam was filling my mouth, should I spit it out or gag it down. I washed it down with lots of water. Then picked it out of my teeth with microbursts of foam following. If you haven't thrown up by this point of taking the antacid then it forms a barrier on top of the contents of your stomach and relieves the burning in the back of your throat. It reminds me of a fire extinguisher - but for your throat.

My brother was at my house and asked if I had any Tums or something. I said, "Yeah. I have this stuff, but have a glass of water ready." He looked at me like I was crazy. He took the two large tablets and started chewing on them and he had the same exact reaction I did. He said as if he was afraid to close his mouth, "Uh! It's foaming! Uh!"

"Quick, drink some water to wash it down!" I say, feeling like the experienced heartburn hero.

Yeah, I'm finding I'm having to cut more and more food out of my diet due to cankers, heartburn and diarrhea. I'm a perpetual Pepto Bismol commercial.

Old Friends

One wonderful thing that can be said for being our age is we've weeded through a lot of friends and acquaintances and recognize the difference. It's been a hurtful process, but really worth it.

My oldest friend is one that I've had since about fifth grade, which is pretty good considering my family moved around a lot. I'm the type of person that will be your friend forever as long as you reciprocate. (Remember the pencil and ink thing?) It took me a long time to figure out it was a waste of time to invest in one way friendships. I also learned not to take it personally. I did in my younger years but some people just don't prioritize socializing with friends. It's the few good friends, who are like treasures that make it worth it. It's worth it when you find friends who also find friends important. Here's a few thoughts on old friends that I got from a book with my updating:

• Old friends know just when to call (or text).
• Old friends don't need an excuse to drop by. (And sorry my house is a mess.)
• Old friends can be trusted with secrets. (Because they can't remember them anyway.)
• Old friends know what you're thinking even before you speak. (Can they hear the crickets chirping in my head, too?)
• Old friends aren't jealous of your successes or pleased with your failures. (This means they tolerate us.)
• Old friends don't have to ask, "What can I do to help?" They just know. (So don't be surprised when you keep receiving Preparation H Suppositories as gifts.)
• When disagreements arise, old friends don't have to be right. (Most of the time they aren't, but just let them believe what they want.)
• Old friends are like antiques, the longer you have them, the more valuable they are. (And no matter how tacky they are, we keep them because they are special to us.)
• Real friends are those who when you make a fool out of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job. (Amen.)
• Robert Louis Stevenson, "A friend is a gift you give yourself." (We don't treat ourselves very often, so when we do, let's make it good!)

Most of my followers I have never met but I want to let you know "It is by chance we met and by choice we became friends." Thanks for your friendship!

Pillow Talk

Eggcellent Eggs

I love these. Love. Lovey, dovey, smovey, wovey. True love. It's just a good thing they only sell these once a year. I know they have the cup thingies, but they're not the same. These are fresh. Unadulterated. Only on the shelf since Valentine's Day. And because they are eggs you can eat them for breakfast. Because they have peanut butter in them, they are protein. But the day after Easter they go on sale for 50% off and they disappear for another year. But you are left with the memories, the little extra pudge on the bottom which is why everything I love has the word "butt" in it. Butt-ered popcorn. Butt-er Toffee. Peanut Butt-er. Nutty Butt-y Ice Cream Cones. Why can't they change the words to like "worth it." Worth it popcorn. Worth it toffee. Peanut worth it eggs. Well, I'm going to go and OD on something that's worth it.