Monday, April 19, 2010

How to Avoid An Affair Part 2

I posted part one last week and didn't get much feedback, so I wonder if I touched on too sensitive of a subject or if everyone was guilty. Or maybe it's because the weather is warming up and everyone is too busy doing gardening and stuff like that. Yeah, that's it.

I asked Mr. Fifi how he controls his eyes from roving from me. I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world and I have put on some poundage since we've gotten married. But some of the most beautiful women in the world have had men stray so what's the secret? What makes him keep coming home to me?

One good practice when you are in public and you notice a younger, prettier lady, you just whisper to him, "Isn't she cute? Poor thing, Kristie told me all about her. I just wish they could find a cure for her genital herpes. That would suck."

Another hottie on the scene, "Her family is from France and she doesn't believe in shaving her armpits. Imagine that in lingerie, her arms behind her head waiting for you to go in for the kiss. I wonder if all that hair holds in B.O.? You couldn't possibly get deodorant all the way to the skin with all that hair. Oh, wait. They don't use deodorant in France, they just dab on a little eu de toilette."

"Wow, doesn't Bonnie look beautiful, tonight?" you test him.

"Yeah, she must work out, look at those biceps," hubby says, trying not to be overzealous.

"Oh, no, Honey, she has an illness that causes her to lose control of her bowels. She wears one of those discrete Depends. She just can't put on weight no matter how hard she tries."

Pretty soon, he will see beautiful women and an automatic trigger will go off in his mind, "Chlamydia. Diarrhea. Crooked nipples. Halitosis. Bulimia."

So my husband doesn't have a problem looking at other women for that reason. I'd like to believe it's because he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I guess when you surpass a certain amount of beauty, it's really bad. I feel sorry for all those models and actresses who have to drug themselves up to cope with all the downfalls of being beautiful.

And, my sweet friends, we know that beauty comes from within. You know how I compared husbands like the best shirt you ever bought? I compare us with the best trophy that he earned. This is why: It is true he may had a few opportunities of marrying someone else. But YOU are the one who won his heart. There is something special about you and me. We are the ones who would put up with his flatulence, spitting out the car window and never getting to our "Honey Do" list. But don't get me wrong - we are not suckers - we are trophy wives. We are the one who he is proud to take to the company barbecue.

Behind every good man is a woman on Prozac good woman. We need to find little things to compliment our man on. We have to make him feel needed and sometimes be a damsel in distress so he can prove to be our knight in shining armour. When he finally hangs that picture you bought seven months ago - go make him his favorite pie and tell him what a good job he did. This will help his self-esteem for weeks. It's doing little things like that that keep a man.

Another good thing to do is ask to feel his biceps. "Wowee, Honey. You just keep getting stronger and stronger. You're my Hercules, Baby." They just eat that stuff up. That's a good time to ask him to put his good muscles to use and put in that shelf you've been wanting.

So, we're all about getting through this mid-life madness together. Do you have any other ideas on keeping your man?


7 comments:

Saimi said...

The husband never knows when his luck will strike. When it does he feels like the luckiest man alive!!

Lisa said...

Oh my crap. Crooked nipples? HYSTERIA! No other ideas in the world better than the ones you've listed. You're the queen.

Pearl said...

I love the t-shirt analogy and the "fill his head with horrible images" to keep him by your side. You're awesome!

Oh, by the way, I found your blog from the awesome gal who posted above me-Lisa

See Mom Smile said...

Those are some awesome ideas for distracting the husband from pretty women. Taking notes! (what if he he likes crooked nipples?)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

What...I've got to add pie making to the list???
He does love food, he really does love food. But Pie, I don't know about Pie.
Great suggestions though!

Kari said...

Don't forget body piercings that you can't see, or possible certain "changes" that have taken place. EEWWWWW!!!

Karen said...

Oh Fifi.....how I love your blog!!!! I am going to have work on that automatic trigger. I believe you are on to something.